To Whom it May Concern

Hey guys, so I'm not gonna lie, life's been pretty good to me as of late. I've been uncharacteristically not pissed, sorry about that. Luckily for you, I got some inspiration after reading a comment on my last entry by my good friend Whitney, thanks Whit. It goes in line with my last entry but I'm going to focus on the service industry this time, this one really gets to me.

Dear bar/restaurant patrons,

Have you ever had a job where you were required to serve and please someone? Obviously not. You're so self absorbed that you can't realize that you're the only fuckhead in the whole place who is dissatisfied with your service. You make damn sure everyone in the place knows it too. You complain, first, that you were seated at a table that is not to your liking. Second, service takes way too fucking long and you are just so damned important that you can't be bothered with waiting for food. Last but not least, you complain that the food tastes horrible as if that is somehow the server's fault (or do you just like to complain to make yourself seem relevant?). You use such phrases as "I come here all the time and usually the service is great" or "Are you new here". You, my friend, are quite simply an asshole. Does it really matter what table you got seated at or are you just that unhappy with your life that you need to complain. Seriously, every time I hear one of you twats raising your voice for everyone to hear, I want to walk over and strangle you until you can speak no more. What do you do for a living? Whatever it is, I'd like to show up to your workplace and treat you like you are the worst fucking scumbag of a human being that ever walked the earth and see how you like it. Then, you have the gall to not tip. You know what, fuck you! That's how these people make a living. If the service is bad, tip 10 or 15 percent at least. Servers are people too, you raging douche bag! I'm glad I've never worked as a server or bartender because I would probably lose my job after about a week of putting up with pieces of shit like you. Servers, I commend you!

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

First off I'd like to thank my readers. I know a few of you who read regularly, others need to either become followers or start commenting so I know who you are! Ummmm... It has been brought to my attention that I might gain a wider audience by toning down the foul language. Now, profanity is kind of just "how I am" so it would be hard, but if you guys think it will benefit the posts, let me know either in the comments here or on Facebook. For now I will remain filthy until I've a firmer grasp on my readers' needs. Now on to the main attraction!

Dear American consumers,

You've always been an arrogant bunch, haven't you? Treating retail workers like pieces of shit to make your own miserable existence seem worthwhile. Well guess what, fuck off! I've worked a number of retail positions in my day and I've a few bones to pick with you assholes. First of all, there's the pretentious "you're here to serve me" attitude. You know what, I'm here because it's a paying job that I can't afford to live without. I could give two shits about you and you're precious dinner party or tile job or whatever the hell it is you happen to be here for. When you treat me like shit, saying things like "Don't they train you here" or "What, you guys don't keep anything in stock around here?" or "is there someone else I could speak to?" or "Isn't it your job to help customers, well you haven't helped me at all." it doesn't scare me into submission or make me feel really bad that I couldn't help such a fine human being. No, it actually makes me want to kick you in the throat and beat you repeatedly with whatever blunt object I can find. Yet I won't do anything because I'm at work and I wish to keep my job. And that's the thing, would you speak to me like that if the circumstances of our exchange were different? Say, if I was just some guy on the subway you happened to engage in conversation? No, you absolutely wouldn't because you are such a coward, you have to get your aggression out on someone who won't do anything about it. You are a pussy. Straight up. Second, and I've addressed this before, don't show up two minutes to closing time then take your sweet time making the largest and most complex order you could possibly think of. I know you think the world revolves around you, but we retail workers have lives outside of serving your aloof ass. In other words, if it's close to closing, get in, get your shit and get the fuck out. Be courteous for once in your damn life. Fuck.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Finding it hard lately to get pissed off at things. Am I losing my touch? God, I hope not.

Dear sign spinner guy on the street corner,

You're actually pretty fucking awesome! With your cool spinning moves, doubtless practiced daily. Anyone could do your job, but with such style? I seriously doubt it. You stand there, gracefully throwing your ad around like there's no tomorrow. I'm sure you get all the ladies, of course. I don't know how they could resist. Sign spinner man, you are my hero.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

See, tricked you guys with that one, huh? Now for what you really came here for, I'm taking on grammar and spelling today...

Dear a whole shitload of people,

I understand that no one is perfect. Hell, I'll even admit that Mr. High and Mighty himself (that being me, of course) makes the occasional spelling and grammar error and has punctuation skills that are, on their best day, let's say "sloppy". That being said, it's one thing to make the occasional mistake and quite another thing indeed to do what you guys do on the daily. Following is a list of things that just piss me the hell off:

• Should of. As in, "I should of known I had no chance when she called me an imbecile, but I never learn." This ought to be "should HAVE" and that ought to be common knowledge for any native English speaker. You might want to find a mirror, your idiot is showing.
• Their, There and They're. Not that hard to figure out people! They're looking for their dog, I think it's over there by the school. If you can't figure it out after reading that, I have no hope for you.
• Spelling in general. I know everybody makes mistakes, I mean some words are pretty tough to spell. Onomatopoeia, for example. (and yes, I absolutely used Google to make sure I spelled that right) But when I see things like "defently" or "I think the Vikings are going to loose", It just gets to me. It's like a cheese grater slowly moving back and forth across my soul. Dramatic yes, overreaction? I think not.
• Text speak. This is kind of irrational but I just absolutely hate it. We're not 14. Please write to me like we're adults. The next time I hear someone use the term "lol" in real life (or "irl" if you're too damn lazy to write it out), I might have to punch them.

Don't even get me started on you retards who, after years of the same lesson in English class EVERY year, still can't figure out the difference between a noun, a verb and an adjective. This is all fairly simple stuff. I can't express to you enough how much it bothers me that you can't get it through your thick skulls.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

P.S. I'll throw this in for my friend Brad. People who say "supposably", the word is supposedly. It's not that fucking hard to say either.

Hello everybody! So after a much needed seven hour nap, I'm extra motivated to get shit done. First order of business, find a second job. Hopefully I'll find one soon. I think maybe I'll clean my room today too. On to business! (I've covered this one on Facebook before but, as it's a daily problem, it warrants a second go.)

Dear Arizona drivers,

Do all of you just lose any semblance of intelligence anytime you're behind the wheel? I mean, it feels like I'm surrounded by retards every time I leave my house. There's the extra douchey habit of not using your turn signals. Come on people, it's not that fucking hard to flip that little switch. In fact if you'd like, I can personally show you how it's done after kicking your ass. Then there's those of you that slow down to like thirty when they see a cop or one of those damned cameras. What is the deal with you guys? Those things only take your picture if your eleven miles per hour OVER the speed limit! You know the speed limit, right? It's that number they post on those handy little signs ALL OVER the place. You don't, I repeat, don't have to slow down below the speed limit. Get that through your thick skulls because that one really pisses me off. And last but not least there's the people on cell phones. Like your conversation is so effing important that you can't wait five minutes until you're out of the car. No, you HAVE to talk right then and since you are so stupid you can't do two things at once, you automatically start going about twenty five and driving like a complete dumbass. I'm talking swerving, cutting people off, almost sideswiping fools, the list goes on. Anyway, I'm sure there are more reasons to hate the drivers in this lovely metropolis, but I can't think of any right now, feel free to comment with some. And to all of you horrible drivers out there, get the fuck off the road or at least get out of my way, please.

Sincerely,

Chris Goretcki

Over the years, I've come to realize that I completely DO NOT understand women. I don't know if this is all men (I'd like to think it is) or I'm just totally inept at picking up women. Anyway, I know I have some female readers so ladies, feel free to comment and shed some light on this one.

Dear girl I met in the bar on Friday,

So there's something I just don't get about what went down. I introduced myself and two of my friends to you and two of your friends. I singled you out as the one I thought was cutest and paid the most attention to you. We seemed to hit it off great, in fact, I think I even did everything right for once (asked a lot of questions about you, paid attention to all your answers, offered witty and interesting banter about said answers, didn't come on too strong etc.). So night went great, we went out to smoke and you said "Well I'm moving to Tempe (from Scottsdale), you said you were moving to Tempe, we should hang out." or something along those lines. I saw it as my in and asked for your number. You gave it to me and had me call you so you would have mine. Now here's where the issue starts. Why, then, when I sent you a text, did you not even bother to respond? Why waste all night talking to me, give me your number, then ignore me? It makes no god damn sense to me, woman! You could have just said "Fuck you douche face" right from the get go, or after talking to me and finding I was interesting but not enough to warrant further interaction, you could have refused the phone number. It's easy, just say "You know, it was nice to meet you but I just don't think we're right for each other." Something along those lines. I'm sensitive but I'm not that sensitive, I would have got over it. Now, I'm just rather annoyed that I got my hopes up for no reason (trust me, that sucks worse). I'm not going to rant about this any longer or say "fuck you" or anything like that because I'm not a bitter asshole. I just wish I understood your reasoning is all.

Sincerely,

Chris Goretcki

Well hello there. How is everyone? I'm great, easy day at work and kickball tonight, it doesn't get any better. Now, I could probably spend a whole year blogging about the various things in Wal Mart that I find annoying. Seriously, as soon as I enter the parking lot of that accursed place my heart rate rises and I see red. I don't know why, it just does that to me. Every time I go there I almost have an aneurysm by the time I've left. For now though, I will only berate one jackass.

Dear man behind me in the check cashing line,

I have this thing, it's a bit neurotic, but it is what it is. I don't like people standing/walking behind me. I don't know why, it just bugs the shit out of me. Now you, in your particular brand of fuckhead, decided to stand not only behind me, but about two inches from my fucking back! Seriously man? I kind of wanted to turn around and punch you in the throat. Then, while you struggled for breath, I would have kicked you in the balls for good measure. I understand that maybe I'm the only one with this "people behind me" paranoia, but isn't it common courtesy to give people like a three foot bubble of personal space? And the worst part was that there was no one behind you. Are you just moronic or did you think I was really cute or something? Because you were so close to me, I could feel your heavy, fat ass breathing and smell your eau de sweat. You, my friend, are an ass hat. Don't be like that man.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki