To Whom it May Concern

Man updating a blog every day is hard work when you have a shit ton of other crap to do every week. Well today sucked, the first thing I had to face (as soon as I walked in the freaking door at work) was the fact that I had loaded up the wrong tile for someone a few days ago. Well my boss was pretty pissed because the stuff I loaded needed to go to a different customer (we don't keep extra tile in stock). I had to drive to the store where the tile was and load it into my car and drive it back to work. Not so bad, but then I had to face the wrath of my boss in the form of him walking through the warehouse ALL day and finding every little thing he could for me to do. I am worn the fuck out. Anyway...

Dear douche bags,

God DAMN you piss me off. With your striped shirts and popped collar (the kind that goes perfect with your spiky hair and suspiciously feminine Gucci sunglasses). I hate every fiber of your being and I'm pretty sure most people are with me on this one (can I get a hell yeah?). Look, the thing is you really do look retarded driving around your leased beamers and trolling the clubs trying to pick up other guys' girlfriends. Then there's your stupid ass macho attitude like "I take steroids and wear Affliction shirts, look how fucking bad ass I am, I'll take anyone in this bar." Never afraid to act like a complete asshole to compensate for your own insecurities. Well, here's some news man, there are plenty of people out their who can kick your ass and kick it well. The problem is, you hang out in Scottsdale and on Mill where all their is are other douche bags who are just as big of pussies as you. I really hope one of these days you stroll into the wrong place, run your mouth and get your ass kicked so thoroughly it takes the spray tan right off your manscaped face. You, my friend, are a douche and no one likes you, especially me.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Whew! Took a weekend off and it was great! I think I'll blog on the weekends too from now on though. I felt bad depriving people of my particular brand of awesome. Let's see... not much in the way of news so I'll head straight to business.

Dear NFL players,

I know you'd like us to think that you're like everyone else, you like to party and occasionally get a little too drunk and make a dumb ass move that gets you into trouble with the law. Serious trouble. Well guess what, I have no sympathy for you. I'm 26 fucking years old. I'm older than a lot of you, been partying just as long as most of you and am only a couple years younger than a few of you. I still have managed to never get into serious trouble at a bar. You've got that retard Plaxico shooting himself in the leg at a club (what the fuck???). You've got Ben Roethlisberger (sp?) who can't keep his wang out of unwilling vagina. And now, you have Santonio Holmes accused of throwing a glass at a woman's eye causing lacerations. Seriously guys, you're not in the fucking ghetto anymore. You don't need to carry guns around and abuse women for street cred anymore. And to you Big Ben... I don't even know what to say to that. It's a real testament to your ladies man skills that you have Super Bowl rings and millions of dollars in worth and you still have to rape 'em. What the fuck are you thinking man? Now, me being a huge football fan, I have to listen to all the soccer loving pussies out there tell me how football sucks because the players are thugs and criminals. Thanks a lot assholes! And what's with the Steelers? Now you have two retards on your team? Good going higher ups, way to pick a solid team. I know there are thousands of other cases of rage inducing stupidity in the NFL but I'm too tired to think of anymore than those three. Comment if you have another you want to bitch about.

P.S. Just remembered Michael Vick, he's beyond stupid. He's evolved (devolved?) into a piece of shit.

I'll just jump right into the rants today as I really have nothing positive to say today. Also, it's going to be 2 short ones today instead of one long one because it's Friday, it's my damn blog and I feel like it.

Dear NAKAD Kickball,

So this season I decided to create and captain my own kickball team through your fine organization. I conversed with one of your admins through e-mail so I would know exact deadlines. I was told by said admin that the season would start April 2nd and I needed to have 12 players signed up by then. Why, then, did I receive an e-mail today informing me of my team's removal from the roster? I was never told anything about 3/26 being the cut off. Are you guys that inept over there that you can't give me proper information? And not only that, you also threw me onto some team called Team Cowabunga. I don't want to play for those jackasses! Seriously that's the best name they could come up with? I bet these guys were really cool in 1992. Thanks guys, now I look like a douche because I have to tell my friends they can't play because our team was removed. Screw you, fuckfaces.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Dear City of Tempe,
Do you have some sort of irrational hatred toward gas stations? I cut a 6 mile swath across your fine city and found not a one. What if I really needed gas, like 1 mile from now? Wait, I'd be screwed because your genius mayor enacted his beautification act which removed all functioning gas stations from your town. I realize your whole municipality is lousy with hippies, but that doesn't mean everyone who travels through rides a beach cruiser they bought on craigslist everywhere they go. Also, there are ample amounts of transients but not a single gas station. Those have nothing to do with each other, I just wanted to take another jab at you. Fuck you Tempe, fuck you very much.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Well fuck me. It looks like Mr. Cold took a day off to rest and come back tenfold. I don't mean to keep bitching about this damn thing but alright, I get it. You're a big bad ass cold that can get in my body and fuck me up. Now move along please. Anyway, day 3 here we go...

Dear kids these days,

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm talking about guys wearing girl pants. I'm talking about spiking your hair up like David Bowie in "Labrynth". I'm talking about the horrible music(I'm looking at you, Hollywood Undead). I'm talking about guys wearing makeup. My only question is, are you considered cool at your respective high schools? (I haven't been to a high school in a number of years so I'm not sure) Please, someone fill me in. Also, where are the metalheads, greasers or jocks to beat the living crapshitfuckballs out of you on the daily? I kind of want to spend my Saturday at the Chandler Mall, in full berserker mode, grabbing every one of you fuckheads and smashing you into the nearest wall until I beat the retard out of you. Seriously, you guys look like douche bags. Don't even get me started on the girls who hang out with you.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

P.S. I'll leave you with a link to the video that sparked this rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TH5ibABP4U&feature=related
Tell me that doesn't piss you off at least on some level

Alright, day two...

I already have 5 followers which is pretty cool. All of them are family or friends but cool nonetheless. Thanks guys! I'm feeling a little better than I did yesterday which is always a plus. I always end up getting a cold right around this time of year and it really pisses me off, you know? The worst part is it fucks with my ability to sing karaoke which may not sound like a big deal but trust me, it is. I mean it's only my favorite part of the damn week. Anyway, on to the ranting...

Dear Big D customers,

I really cannot comprehend what the hell is so difficult to understand about a huge stop sign saying "STOP employees only beyond this point". Seriously people, I know most of you never made it past the 7th grade but really? Then there's those of you who just have a sense of entitlement because you come in twice a week and buy 2 sponges and a tube of caulk so you think you're hot shit. Well guess what, I don't give a flying fuck who you are or how big of a hurry you're in! That sign isn't there because we at Big D are dicks and feel like making our customers walk an extra 20 feet to the front door. It's there because I'm not used to people other than myself being in the warehouse and I fly around those corners on my forklift with exactly that mentality. Honestly, I would not feel all that bad if I ran you over but I would probably lose my job so I like to avoid this possibility. Furthermore, I don't know if you've ever witnessed someone being run over by a forklift, but I have and it's not pretty. So how about we A) learn how to read and B) once learning said trait, learn to follow directions then I won't be looking for work and you won't be brutally maimed or worse. Deal?

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Hi everyone. Thanks for visiting and all that. This is my new blog where I'll be posting rants, raves and occasional drunken musings for you all to enjoy. Anyway this is my first post, hope you like it and continue to follow. Tell your friends!
I'll start off with something positive. I went to a Fear Factory show last night at the Marquee theater and it was fucking awesome! I never really got into Fear Factory that much but after the show, I'm definitely going to get some of their music. After the show we headed to Sonny's in Chandler where I was hoodwinked into a lap dance by a black stripper. She appealed to my ego by saying I needed to man up and get one, unlike my pussy friends. She also said I was cute and had style. I know she was bullshitting me but the woman was half naked on my lap, it tends to mesmerize you, trust me. Anyway, now to the rant.

Dear virus infecting my body,
Fuck you! Don't you knows that everyone hates you? I mean seriously, your whole goal in life is to enter my body without permission and fuck it all up so I feel like ass. What kind of piece of shit are you? If I could shrink myself to microscopic proportions and somehow enter my own body, I would hunt you down and beat the holy bejesus out of you. I mean c'mon! You need to get your priorities straight young man. Time to start doing something positive with your life.
Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki.