To Whom it May Concern

Dzien dobry! So I've been a giant slacker douche lately and haven't posted anything, I apologize. I've got a doozy for you tonight though, I think everyone can get into this one. Without further ado...

Dear rich punkasses,

So I'm driving down the road, minding my own when I pull up to you two little pricks on the side of the freeway. One of you had a Mercedes SLK Kompressor, the other a brand new BMW 6 series. Neither one of you was a day over seventeen. Now seeing this just annoyed the living hell out of me. I mean, you two little douche fucks just picked out a car and your spineless parents obliged. You probably still had the fucking gall to bitch about color too. Spoiled little shits! Now, like I said I was merely annoyed at the site of you two fucks. That is until I noticed that the reason you were on the side of the road was because you had just crashed into eachother. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You have the fortune of having been handed a beautiful piece of machinery (however undeservedly) for free and you crash the things? Into eachother? You god damn morons. To make it worse, it was on a massive curve so I can only imagine you douchebags were racing. How can you have the audacity to take something that so many people dream about and strive for and just throw it away because you wanted to get your little piece of shit rush. I hope your respective parents spent the insurance money on bus passes for your irresponsible asses. Lord knows that's what I'd do, after severely beating you that is.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

First of all, anyone who hasn't seen the movie which shares it's moniker with the post you are reading, DON'T! It's probably the worst movie ever written, ever! (except maybe Titanic). That being said, today's rant is following a common theme that I like to re-visit from time to time, traffic.

Dear crotch rocket douche bag,

I know, I know, owning a crotch rocket is just so fucking cool. I mean, I just can't understand why, while flying down the road with your bad ass crotch rocket douche jacket, you don't get ladies just flying at you like you're the mall on the day after Thanksgiving! I am so extremely jealous of your bad assery that every time I see one of you, I go home immediately and beat myself up for being so damned lame. In case you couldn't tell, jackass, I'm being sarcastic. I'm writing this to let you know that just because you're a giant shit head and own a crotch rocket, doesn't give you the right to drive like a complete ass. You're constantly weaving in and out of traffic, driving in between cars and cutting people off just so you can get back up to 150 and impress the living shit out of... well, no one actually. If I was less of a person, I would ram my car right into your fucking side and watch you fly. I'm all about respecting motorcyclists and keeping an eye out for them on the road; however, you motorcyclists need to respect us regular drivers too. Otherwise, you lose all of my respect you douchy piece of rotting trash of a person.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Happy Tuesday everyone! Hope yours was not as shittacular as mine. Between work being so slow we watch movies everyday with few customer interruptions and the stress of recently discovering I owe 35 grand to Chandler Regional Hospital, life has been less than desirable. At least I have music to look forward to... Wow, after proofreading that even I thought I was going to kill myself, damn. Don't worry about that folks, I enjoy the weekends far too much to off myself due to the week! Anyway... on to the lashing. Please check this website out in connection to the following rant: http://www.latfh.com/

Dear Hipster,

Words cannot describe my contempt for you, but I'll try anyway. I think I'll just list the things that "define" you, things that you are so very proud of but in all reality make you a giant douche.

• Fashion: I know it took you hours of searching to find that vintage, mustard yellow cardigan that will go perfectly with your skinny jeans, birkenstocks and worn out "Harry and the Hendersons" T-shirt, but it makes you look retarded. Here's a hint, don't try so fucking hard to look like you're sooooo unique and you might end up standing out a bit from your douchetastic friends.
• Music: I'm sorry, but no matter how you look at it, Elliot Smith is just plain horrible (readers who disagree... suck it! you're wrong). Don't even get me started on Radiohead. Furthermore; your need to constantly point out that you listened to Modest Mouse "before they were on the radio and they were better back then" is just fucking annoying. Eat a dick, dude. I still like them, so sue me.
  
• The "Lifestyle": What the fuck dude? You have to shower man! You smell, get on it. Also, you can quit with your "holier than thou" attitude. I'm sorry my parents' aren't paying for my bachelor's degree. I'm also sorry I don't have a "kick ass" job at the Apple Store or the Campus Coffee House or wherever the hell it is you work you pretentious asshole.

In conclusion, prickface, you're not even remotely close to nearly as fucking cool as you think you are. In fact, I'm pretty sure the whole world wants to knock your ass out.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

So there is a lot going on politically in my home state right now. You may be asking yourself "Why hasn't Chris tackled Immigration law yet?" Well the answer is simple. I WILL NOT blog about politics. Sorry. First and foremost, it might turn off readers. Second, I find political debate to be boring and counter-productive. And finally, I just don't give a rat's ass! That being said, it's been awhile since I've posted anything but I promise the rants will be coming with more frequency henceforth. Once again I encourage anyone to leave comments, it helps motivate me by letting me know you're reading. Now let's get on with it, shall we? (This actually happened 2 years ago, but I have to see this jackass every year so it still irks me)

Dear Fat Fuck kid at the Paradise Valley Jazz Festival,

God, let me just start by telling you how jealous I am that you can play saxophone like every other bad ass who ever existed (read Kenny G). I am just so disappointed in myself for playing rock guitar... I suck... If you haven't sensed my sarcasm yet, you're a bigger dumb fuck than I thought. Let me put it to you straight son, when we chatted two years ago, I asked what you played. You told me sax. Pink Floyd being the only non jazz sax I could think of, I jokingly asked if you knew any. Your response was "No, you have to have an IQ of 5 to play rock music". WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? God damn I wanted to kick your pudgy little ass. I told you that you had better watch your mouth around people you don't know and you walked away red faced like a coward. But you weren't finished, you had to get the last word in so you told me "If rock music is so good, why do these people all pay 200 bucks a piece just to get in here?" Well, you stupid ass, rock bands draw crowds of 40,000 plus so they don't have to charge that much. Plus, all your adoring jazz fans have an average age of 85. Good luck with all the ladies flashing those flapjacks to get a piece of you backstage, tubby. Point is, I should have kicked your ass up and down that place then, but I let it go because I was working. However, I now have seen you both times I've worked it since said incident and you feel the need to say something to me everytime. Leave me the fuck alone! Seriously! I am actually considering finding out when your piece of shit big band plays and waiting outside to beat you senseless afterward. You smug, fat, ugly, virgin, untalented piece of fucking donkey shit.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Hey guys, so I'm not gonna lie, life's been pretty good to me as of late. I've been uncharacteristically not pissed, sorry about that. Luckily for you, I got some inspiration after reading a comment on my last entry by my good friend Whitney, thanks Whit. It goes in line with my last entry but I'm going to focus on the service industry this time, this one really gets to me.

Dear bar/restaurant patrons,

Have you ever had a job where you were required to serve and please someone? Obviously not. You're so self absorbed that you can't realize that you're the only fuckhead in the whole place who is dissatisfied with your service. You make damn sure everyone in the place knows it too. You complain, first, that you were seated at a table that is not to your liking. Second, service takes way too fucking long and you are just so damned important that you can't be bothered with waiting for food. Last but not least, you complain that the food tastes horrible as if that is somehow the server's fault (or do you just like to complain to make yourself seem relevant?). You use such phrases as "I come here all the time and usually the service is great" or "Are you new here". You, my friend, are quite simply an asshole. Does it really matter what table you got seated at or are you just that unhappy with your life that you need to complain. Seriously, every time I hear one of you twats raising your voice for everyone to hear, I want to walk over and strangle you until you can speak no more. What do you do for a living? Whatever it is, I'd like to show up to your workplace and treat you like you are the worst fucking scumbag of a human being that ever walked the earth and see how you like it. Then, you have the gall to not tip. You know what, fuck you! That's how these people make a living. If the service is bad, tip 10 or 15 percent at least. Servers are people too, you raging douche bag! I'm glad I've never worked as a server or bartender because I would probably lose my job after about a week of putting up with pieces of shit like you. Servers, I commend you!

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

First off I'd like to thank my readers. I know a few of you who read regularly, others need to either become followers or start commenting so I know who you are! Ummmm... It has been brought to my attention that I might gain a wider audience by toning down the foul language. Now, profanity is kind of just "how I am" so it would be hard, but if you guys think it will benefit the posts, let me know either in the comments here or on Facebook. For now I will remain filthy until I've a firmer grasp on my readers' needs. Now on to the main attraction!

Dear American consumers,

You've always been an arrogant bunch, haven't you? Treating retail workers like pieces of shit to make your own miserable existence seem worthwhile. Well guess what, fuck off! I've worked a number of retail positions in my day and I've a few bones to pick with you assholes. First of all, there's the pretentious "you're here to serve me" attitude. You know what, I'm here because it's a paying job that I can't afford to live without. I could give two shits about you and you're precious dinner party or tile job or whatever the hell it is you happen to be here for. When you treat me like shit, saying things like "Don't they train you here" or "What, you guys don't keep anything in stock around here?" or "is there someone else I could speak to?" or "Isn't it your job to help customers, well you haven't helped me at all." it doesn't scare me into submission or make me feel really bad that I couldn't help such a fine human being. No, it actually makes me want to kick you in the throat and beat you repeatedly with whatever blunt object I can find. Yet I won't do anything because I'm at work and I wish to keep my job. And that's the thing, would you speak to me like that if the circumstances of our exchange were different? Say, if I was just some guy on the subway you happened to engage in conversation? No, you absolutely wouldn't because you are such a coward, you have to get your aggression out on someone who won't do anything about it. You are a pussy. Straight up. Second, and I've addressed this before, don't show up two minutes to closing time then take your sweet time making the largest and most complex order you could possibly think of. I know you think the world revolves around you, but we retail workers have lives outside of serving your aloof ass. In other words, if it's close to closing, get in, get your shit and get the fuck out. Be courteous for once in your damn life. Fuck.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Finding it hard lately to get pissed off at things. Am I losing my touch? God, I hope not.

Dear sign spinner guy on the street corner,

You're actually pretty fucking awesome! With your cool spinning moves, doubtless practiced daily. Anyone could do your job, but with such style? I seriously doubt it. You stand there, gracefully throwing your ad around like there's no tomorrow. I'm sure you get all the ladies, of course. I don't know how they could resist. Sign spinner man, you are my hero.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

See, tricked you guys with that one, huh? Now for what you really came here for, I'm taking on grammar and spelling today...

Dear a whole shitload of people,

I understand that no one is perfect. Hell, I'll even admit that Mr. High and Mighty himself (that being me, of course) makes the occasional spelling and grammar error and has punctuation skills that are, on their best day, let's say "sloppy". That being said, it's one thing to make the occasional mistake and quite another thing indeed to do what you guys do on the daily. Following is a list of things that just piss me the hell off:

• Should of. As in, "I should of known I had no chance when she called me an imbecile, but I never learn." This ought to be "should HAVE" and that ought to be common knowledge for any native English speaker. You might want to find a mirror, your idiot is showing.
• Their, There and They're. Not that hard to figure out people! They're looking for their dog, I think it's over there by the school. If you can't figure it out after reading that, I have no hope for you.
• Spelling in general. I know everybody makes mistakes, I mean some words are pretty tough to spell. Onomatopoeia, for example. (and yes, I absolutely used Google to make sure I spelled that right) But when I see things like "defently" or "I think the Vikings are going to loose", It just gets to me. It's like a cheese grater slowly moving back and forth across my soul. Dramatic yes, overreaction? I think not.
• Text speak. This is kind of irrational but I just absolutely hate it. We're not 14. Please write to me like we're adults. The next time I hear someone use the term "lol" in real life (or "irl" if you're too damn lazy to write it out), I might have to punch them.

Don't even get me started on you retards who, after years of the same lesson in English class EVERY year, still can't figure out the difference between a noun, a verb and an adjective. This is all fairly simple stuff. I can't express to you enough how much it bothers me that you can't get it through your thick skulls.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

P.S. I'll throw this in for my friend Brad. People who say "supposably", the word is supposedly. It's not that fucking hard to say either.