To Whom it May Concern

Hey guys, first of all, thank you to anyone who clicked on ads and made me money! So I want to address something that may seem like it's grossly out of place in the middle of summer, Football (aka the greatest sport on Earth ever). I assure you that my dedication to the sport spans the off season as well and if you read NFL.com threads like I do from time to time, you would see that this is relevant. To those of you who don't like/care about football, go back to watching Twilight and soccer and listening to Justin Bieber, nobody is forcing you to read this (though I do appreciate it).

Dear Brett Favre haters,

I do admit I was once like you, hating everything Brett stood for. That; however, was back when he wore that disgusting green and yellow uniform. Now that he's in the magnificent purple and yellow of the best team in the history of any sport period (aka The Vikings), I have learned the error of my once jealous ways. Now, I admit, he did kind of lose the NFC championship for us but, one interception does not a season make. All I hear from the haters is "he needs to retire already and stop this attention whoring". Listen up douche nozzle, he left the Packers because they wanted to bench him for Aaron Rodgers. Fine, Rodgers is a capable QB and Favre is up there in age, can't blame them. Thing is, Brett thought he had more years left in the old arm (which he did) so he left. I would have done the same thing, you would have done the same thing, hell, everybody would have done the same thing. He had a bad year with the Jets, thought about retiring, then decided against it and signed with the Vikings. He had a GREAT year (anyone would with that amazing team behind them), got beat up a little and is thinking about retiring again. I think the man has the right to contemplate retirement, he's fucking old. Hell, by NFL standards he's fucking ancient! I'm sick and god damn tired of hearing all the hate towards the man. Did he beat your pathetic team on your birthday or something? Face it, penis wrinkle, he's a damn good QB and about a million times better than your pudgy, lonely ass will ever be so shut your damn mouth before I shut it for you! Also, stop saying the Vikings were carried by Favre, he's good, but remember '08? The Vikings went 10 and 5 and won their division WITHOUT FAVRE and with golden boy Aaron Rodgers throwing for Green Bay (who didn't even make it by the way).

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

P.S. Please check out my friend Dominique's website at http://www.dominiqueonline.com/ especially if you like photography.

P.P.S. Saints Fans (or those of you who are Saints fans after last season which, coincidentally, is every Saints fan) when The Gunslinger does come back, we're gonna kick your pansy asses all the way back to New Orleans come September 9th. Look forward to Drew Brees's head flying off when he comes face to face with this beast

Dzien dobry! So I've been a giant slacker douche lately and haven't posted anything, I apologize. I've got a doozy for you tonight though, I think everyone can get into this one. Without further ado...

Dear rich punkasses,

So I'm driving down the road, minding my own when I pull up to you two little pricks on the side of the freeway. One of you had a Mercedes SLK Kompressor, the other a brand new BMW 6 series. Neither one of you was a day over seventeen. Now seeing this just annoyed the living hell out of me. I mean, you two little douche fucks just picked out a car and your spineless parents obliged. You probably still had the fucking gall to bitch about color too. Spoiled little shits! Now, like I said I was merely annoyed at the site of you two fucks. That is until I noticed that the reason you were on the side of the road was because you had just crashed into eachother. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You have the fortune of having been handed a beautiful piece of machinery (however undeservedly) for free and you crash the things? Into eachother? You god damn morons. To make it worse, it was on a massive curve so I can only imagine you douchebags were racing. How can you have the audacity to take something that so many people dream about and strive for and just throw it away because you wanted to get your little piece of shit rush. I hope your respective parents spent the insurance money on bus passes for your irresponsible asses. Lord knows that's what I'd do, after severely beating you that is.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

First of all, anyone who hasn't seen the movie which shares it's moniker with the post you are reading, DON'T! It's probably the worst movie ever written, ever! (except maybe Titanic). That being said, today's rant is following a common theme that I like to re-visit from time to time, traffic.

Dear crotch rocket douche bag,

I know, I know, owning a crotch rocket is just so fucking cool. I mean, I just can't understand why, while flying down the road with your bad ass crotch rocket douche jacket, you don't get ladies just flying at you like you're the mall on the day after Thanksgiving! I am so extremely jealous of your bad assery that every time I see one of you, I go home immediately and beat myself up for being so damned lame. In case you couldn't tell, jackass, I'm being sarcastic. I'm writing this to let you know that just because you're a giant shit head and own a crotch rocket, doesn't give you the right to drive like a complete ass. You're constantly weaving in and out of traffic, driving in between cars and cutting people off just so you can get back up to 150 and impress the living shit out of... well, no one actually. If I was less of a person, I would ram my car right into your fucking side and watch you fly. I'm all about respecting motorcyclists and keeping an eye out for them on the road; however, you motorcyclists need to respect us regular drivers too. Otherwise, you lose all of my respect you douchy piece of rotting trash of a person.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Happy Tuesday everyone! Hope yours was not as shittacular as mine. Between work being so slow we watch movies everyday with few customer interruptions and the stress of recently discovering I owe 35 grand to Chandler Regional Hospital, life has been less than desirable. At least I have music to look forward to... Wow, after proofreading that even I thought I was going to kill myself, damn. Don't worry about that folks, I enjoy the weekends far too much to off myself due to the week! Anyway... on to the lashing. Please check this website out in connection to the following rant: http://www.latfh.com/

Dear Hipster,

Words cannot describe my contempt for you, but I'll try anyway. I think I'll just list the things that "define" you, things that you are so very proud of but in all reality make you a giant douche.

• Fashion: I know it took you hours of searching to find that vintage, mustard yellow cardigan that will go perfectly with your skinny jeans, birkenstocks and worn out "Harry and the Hendersons" T-shirt, but it makes you look retarded. Here's a hint, don't try so fucking hard to look like you're sooooo unique and you might end up standing out a bit from your douchetastic friends.
• Music: I'm sorry, but no matter how you look at it, Elliot Smith is just plain horrible (readers who disagree... suck it! you're wrong). Don't even get me started on Radiohead. Furthermore; your need to constantly point out that you listened to Modest Mouse "before they were on the radio and they were better back then" is just fucking annoying. Eat a dick, dude. I still like them, so sue me.
  
• The "Lifestyle": What the fuck dude? You have to shower man! You smell, get on it. Also, you can quit with your "holier than thou" attitude. I'm sorry my parents' aren't paying for my bachelor's degree. I'm also sorry I don't have a "kick ass" job at the Apple Store or the Campus Coffee House or wherever the hell it is you work you pretentious asshole.

In conclusion, prickface, you're not even remotely close to nearly as fucking cool as you think you are. In fact, I'm pretty sure the whole world wants to knock your ass out.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

So there is a lot going on politically in my home state right now. You may be asking yourself "Why hasn't Chris tackled Immigration law yet?" Well the answer is simple. I WILL NOT blog about politics. Sorry. First and foremost, it might turn off readers. Second, I find political debate to be boring and counter-productive. And finally, I just don't give a rat's ass! That being said, it's been awhile since I've posted anything but I promise the rants will be coming with more frequency henceforth. Once again I encourage anyone to leave comments, it helps motivate me by letting me know you're reading. Now let's get on with it, shall we? (This actually happened 2 years ago, but I have to see this jackass every year so it still irks me)

Dear Fat Fuck kid at the Paradise Valley Jazz Festival,

God, let me just start by telling you how jealous I am that you can play saxophone like every other bad ass who ever existed (read Kenny G). I am just so disappointed in myself for playing rock guitar... I suck... If you haven't sensed my sarcasm yet, you're a bigger dumb fuck than I thought. Let me put it to you straight son, when we chatted two years ago, I asked what you played. You told me sax. Pink Floyd being the only non jazz sax I could think of, I jokingly asked if you knew any. Your response was "No, you have to have an IQ of 5 to play rock music". WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? God damn I wanted to kick your pudgy little ass. I told you that you had better watch your mouth around people you don't know and you walked away red faced like a coward. But you weren't finished, you had to get the last word in so you told me "If rock music is so good, why do these people all pay 200 bucks a piece just to get in here?" Well, you stupid ass, rock bands draw crowds of 40,000 plus so they don't have to charge that much. Plus, all your adoring jazz fans have an average age of 85. Good luck with all the ladies flashing those flapjacks to get a piece of you backstage, tubby. Point is, I should have kicked your ass up and down that place then, but I let it go because I was working. However, I now have seen you both times I've worked it since said incident and you feel the need to say something to me everytime. Leave me the fuck alone! Seriously! I am actually considering finding out when your piece of shit big band plays and waiting outside to beat you senseless afterward. You smug, fat, ugly, virgin, untalented piece of fucking donkey shit.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

Hey guys, so I'm not gonna lie, life's been pretty good to me as of late. I've been uncharacteristically not pissed, sorry about that. Luckily for you, I got some inspiration after reading a comment on my last entry by my good friend Whitney, thanks Whit. It goes in line with my last entry but I'm going to focus on the service industry this time, this one really gets to me.

Dear bar/restaurant patrons,

Have you ever had a job where you were required to serve and please someone? Obviously not. You're so self absorbed that you can't realize that you're the only fuckhead in the whole place who is dissatisfied with your service. You make damn sure everyone in the place knows it too. You complain, first, that you were seated at a table that is not to your liking. Second, service takes way too fucking long and you are just so damned important that you can't be bothered with waiting for food. Last but not least, you complain that the food tastes horrible as if that is somehow the server's fault (or do you just like to complain to make yourself seem relevant?). You use such phrases as "I come here all the time and usually the service is great" or "Are you new here". You, my friend, are quite simply an asshole. Does it really matter what table you got seated at or are you just that unhappy with your life that you need to complain. Seriously, every time I hear one of you twats raising your voice for everyone to hear, I want to walk over and strangle you until you can speak no more. What do you do for a living? Whatever it is, I'd like to show up to your workplace and treat you like you are the worst fucking scumbag of a human being that ever walked the earth and see how you like it. Then, you have the gall to not tip. You know what, fuck you! That's how these people make a living. If the service is bad, tip 10 or 15 percent at least. Servers are people too, you raging douche bag! I'm glad I've never worked as a server or bartender because I would probably lose my job after about a week of putting up with pieces of shit like you. Servers, I commend you!

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki

First off I'd like to thank my readers. I know a few of you who read regularly, others need to either become followers or start commenting so I know who you are! Ummmm... It has been brought to my attention that I might gain a wider audience by toning down the foul language. Now, profanity is kind of just "how I am" so it would be hard, but if you guys think it will benefit the posts, let me know either in the comments here or on Facebook. For now I will remain filthy until I've a firmer grasp on my readers' needs. Now on to the main attraction!

Dear American consumers,

You've always been an arrogant bunch, haven't you? Treating retail workers like pieces of shit to make your own miserable existence seem worthwhile. Well guess what, fuck off! I've worked a number of retail positions in my day and I've a few bones to pick with you assholes. First of all, there's the pretentious "you're here to serve me" attitude. You know what, I'm here because it's a paying job that I can't afford to live without. I could give two shits about you and you're precious dinner party or tile job or whatever the hell it is you happen to be here for. When you treat me like shit, saying things like "Don't they train you here" or "What, you guys don't keep anything in stock around here?" or "is there someone else I could speak to?" or "Isn't it your job to help customers, well you haven't helped me at all." it doesn't scare me into submission or make me feel really bad that I couldn't help such a fine human being. No, it actually makes me want to kick you in the throat and beat you repeatedly with whatever blunt object I can find. Yet I won't do anything because I'm at work and I wish to keep my job. And that's the thing, would you speak to me like that if the circumstances of our exchange were different? Say, if I was just some guy on the subway you happened to engage in conversation? No, you absolutely wouldn't because you are such a coward, you have to get your aggression out on someone who won't do anything about it. You are a pussy. Straight up. Second, and I've addressed this before, don't show up two minutes to closing time then take your sweet time making the largest and most complex order you could possibly think of. I know you think the world revolves around you, but we retail workers have lives outside of serving your aloof ass. In other words, if it's close to closing, get in, get your shit and get the fuck out. Be courteous for once in your damn life. Fuck.

Sincerely,
Chris Goretcki